Burned out and cynical at age 48, I asked myself, “Is this truly the life I aspired to attain? How did I get here…?” In my lifelong quest to “have it all” I had, quite simply, “had enough.”
Just two short years ago I was at what should have been the pinnacle of my career. A SVP at a Fortune 500 company, involved in most major corporate initiatives. I had earned a seat at the table. My ego was full, but my life was empty. At age 48 I was a miserable, burned out, grief-stricken executive with a very dangerous relationship with alcohol. My regular work week was 50+ hours. When I wasn’t working, I was still checking my e-mail or phone, while either binge drinking or trying to catch 1-2 hours of precious sleep.
Honestly, I didn’t see it coming. Sure, the signs were there, but I certainly didn’t see them. They crept in over a 12-18 month period, accelerated by COVID. Looking back, my heart breaks for that woman, whose family barely knew her, who also hardly knew herself.
My 20/20 hindsight has given me the ability to see – and now share – some of the warning signs I either missed or ignored. You can find many of these in the typical “5 Signs of Burnout” articles, but I’m here to give you a very honest assessment of what it feels like, in the moment.
Total, utter, full body and mind exhaustion – For me, it didn’t matter how little or how much I slept, I was always exhausted. My joints hurt, and headaches were a daily menace. The ability to concentrate was a foreign concept. I remember trying to calculate a new percentage for someone’s raise in my head, something that was pretty basic for me, and I quite simply could not do it.
Overt cynicism – As a change management practitioner, this should have been a red flag for me. It was my job to help lead groups through change efforts with an honest, practical attitude. Instead, I found myself doubting the potential wisdom or success of projects before they even started, with a “What’s the point, when it will change again anyway?” attitude.
Numbing with alcohol/substances or food – This was a double-edged sword for me. I numbed with alcohol in the off-hours to quiet my brain. Unfortunately, I wound up neglecting food in favor of drinking or sleeping. My health deteriorated quite quickly, and I lost 20 pounds over an eight-month period.
Poor or changing sleep habits – My Fitbit history tells me everything I need to know. It was rare for me to get a full night’s sleep. Instead, I was grabbing cat naps whenever possible. The end result was maybe four hours of sleep per day, cobbled together over a 24-hour period. We all know what the research says about 1) sleep being a superpower and 2) we adults need at least 7 hours per night.
There are so many more signs, but these were the big ones in my story. I hope, if you’re reading this, you take your own quick inventory. Because, over the long term, the consequences of burnout are medically dangerous: fatigue, high blood pressure, insomnia, heart disease, substance abuse.
Two years ago, I checked the boxes on all these items and more. I’m fortunate, since I was able to walk away with an exit package, a supportive, loving family, and a thirst to re-energize my brain, life and career. Today, I’m in the best health of my life. (My son might argue he gets to spend a little too much time with me!). Mornings are kicked off with meditation, dancing, a workout or walk, and breakfast. I’ve taught myself how to cook, picked up my photography hobby again, obtained a new degree and several professional licenses and certifications, and started my own company, on my terms.
We should never live to work. Rather, we give work the opportunity to fit into the joy and fabric of our abundant lives. Every day we need to remember to celebrate our time, well-being, and energy.
