It’s such a small, but difficult thing to do, saying no. There truly is an art and a grace to saying no, with genuine, authentic truth and care.
Earlier today I was writing down my three daily gratitudes when the top one caught me by surprise. It reads, “Today I’m grateful for sticking to my boundaries, saying no to the right things, yes to what’s important, and being 100% present for my commitments.” After I shared my list with my gratitude partner she quickly responded, “I am absolutely on board with your #1 item!”
Once upon a time I lived under the notion that by saying yes to everything, even when it wasn’t within reason, was the best, most considerate course of action. As a result, I was constantly late to meetings, dinner with friends, one time a friend’s wedding, or I was clock-watching to gauge when I needed to make a quick exit to get to the next event, party, conference call, etc.. In over-inflating the value of my presence, I compromised the quality of the time and energy I gave to everything, and I gained a reputation for being chronically late, scattered, distracted.
Ouch.
But it was a wake-up call. Didn’t I owe it to everyone, including myself, to be fully present?
It’s such a small, but difficult thing to do, saying no. Most of us have read about the importance of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries for the sake of our mental health, the health of our relationships, productivity, and overall commitment. It’s one thing to know the data and facts, but saying no is difficult, and can be emotional. So often, at least for me, it comes with the concern for hurting someone’s feelings.
There truly is an art and a grace to saying no, with genuine, authentic truth and care. Here are a few tips that have proven effective for me:
1. ‘No’ as a complete sentence. That’s right. Just ‘no.’: “No, thank you” or “No, thank you. I won’t be able to.” (Say it, don’t apologize, then shut up.)
2. Vague, but firm: “Thank you for asking me, but that is not going to work for me due to other conflicts.”
3. With Gratitude: I’m so touched that you thought of me. I’m sorry I won’t be able to help out/attend/volunteer at this time.”
4. It’s Not Whether or Not, But When: “Darn it! None of those dates work for me, but I would love to see you. Send me some more dates.”
5. Gracious: “I truly appreciate your asking, but my time is already committed/booked.”
6. Recommendation: “I won’t be able to help/attend but let me recommend someone who might be able to help you.”
7. Prior Commitment/Family: “I already told my partner/kids/coach/etc. that I would not be taking on more at this time. I am working to create a more balanced life.” or “That is the day of my child’s concert, and I have committed to never miss those.”
8. “Trigger Word”: My family knows when I use my “trigger word” that I simply need time to myself. As an introvert by nature, battery re-charging time is essential to my personal sanity and mental health. Plus, it just makes me a nicer person.
Remember, just because you are available to do something, does not mean that you ought to commit to it. It never hurts to stop and ask yourself, “Is this a ‘want to’ or a ‘should’ event/request?” If just the thought of fitting it into your schedule brings a sense of dread, or you’re already thinking about strategies to exit early or cancel, do everyone a favor, and JUST. SAY. NO.
