“When a parent dies, you lose the past. When a child dies, you lose the future. When a sibling dies, you lose the past and the future.” That is the grief of a sibling—grief for what was past, and grief for what should have been.
My sister passed away on September 2, 2022. It wasn’t unexpected, since she spent the last two years battling cancer like a badass warrior. Her final few weeks were spent in home hospice, where she was kept as comfortable as possible, while still being totally lucid, full of humor, and the ability to say her “goodbyes.” Selfishly, I was given the precious gift of several months of time to have all the conversations we’d been procrastinating to have for 50+ years. Since I run my own coaching practice, I didn’t have to navigate a corporate time away bank of hours or bereavement policy ridiculousness. Instead, I simply received the gift of time with my sister.
Me (on the right) with my sister circa mid-1970s.
Why am I sharing this in a newsletter?
Because at the visitation and funeral services for my sister, time and time again, people commented on how lucky I was to have been able to receive and accept that gift of time. To spend hours in the morning or afternoon throughout the week with my sister, without fear of work backlash, management scrutiny, negative performance review impacts. People I hardly knew shared their own deep sadness and regrets about all the time they did NOT get to spend, all the final conversations that didn’t happen, the goodbyes left unsaid. Why? Because their workplace didn’t prioritize or value their grief, in particular, when it was “just” a sibling. How their grief, as an adult sibling, was unacknowledged, and left them feeling disenfranchised and heartbroken, depressed while still trying to meet the daily challenges of work.
Let’s revisit the statement I heard repeatedly: “Just” a sibling. Sibling grief is actually, in many ways, more impactful and complicated than grieving a spouse, or parent, yet for some reason it doesn’t fall into the standard grief hierarchy of spouse, parent, child. It receives secondary status, with an assumption that the sibling plays more of a caretaker role.
What’s so special and unique about sibling grief?
How do we even begin to define the impact of the loss of these siblings of ours – siblings who have been our closest companions and also our stiffest competition, at times? In four major ways:
Loss of connection to your shared history – Who else has known us from the very beginning? They know about our teenage crushes, petty schoolyard arguments with friends, educational aspirations, broken hearts, and more.
Loss of future plans, and dreams unfulfilled – We assume our siblings will grow old with us, well beyond the death of our parents. In many ways their dreams of the future are also ours.
Shift in family dynamics – While we are positioned to be rivals, we also act as each other’s buffer zones. Siblings fill in each other’s gaps in the family patchwork quilt. When one sibling dies, who is left to fill those gaps?
Isolated, disenfranchised grief – How can we possibly grieve when everyone else – those viewed as the legitimate grievers – need support? Adult siblings grapple with being the calm in the storm – which draws on energy and emotional reserves – and only makes it harder to care for themselves. Siblings question if they have the “right” to mourn as profoundly as they do, or as visibly as a surviving spouse or children do.
What Can We Do as Employers, Friends, Co-Workers?
First, we need to acknowledge grief – ALL grief – is a life-long journey. We are never “done” grieving. We incorporate it, and it reshapes who we are today, tomorrow, and throughout the future. There is no hierarchy of grief.
Second, it’s time to demand change. From ourselves and from our culture of “getting over” grief. Everyone should be given the time, support, and freedom to grieve in their own way, on their own timeline. It is time for a nationwide mandated standard. Get educated about your own company’s bereavement polices. Ask questions, and, if appropriate, demand more. If you are politically minded, talk to your local, state, and US senators and representatives.
Finally, a few practical ideas. Remember that someone in mourning might simply need for you to acknowledge their loss. Offer support, and the freedom to talk – or not. Ask about their loved one. Be a friend, not a therapist, while accepting it is not your role to heal their heart. More than anything, be present supportive, and patient.
ADDITIONAL RESORUCES AND INFORMATION
The Mourner’s Bill of Rights
There is a terrific resource on HealGrief.org, an organization who provides community, support and connections in grief, titled The Mourner’s Bill of Rights (included below). This list is intended to empower those who are experiencing grief and loss, and decide what might work best for them:
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “grief bursts.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
A Few Helpful Facts About Grief and the Workplace
Grief is a constant, exhausting, demanding companion, and in the early days of grief it’s not simply below the surface – it IS the surface. So why is it that only 60% of private-sector workers get paid bereavement time off?
As a result of the above statistic, grief-related losses cost U.S. companies as much as $75 billion annually. It’s important to note no federal law requires employers to give workers time off to grieve. The vast majority of employers who actually DO provide time off allow only two to four days of bereavement leave, depending on whether the deceased is a child, spouse, parent or extended family member. On average, four days are allotted for the death of a spouse or child, according to the Society for Human Resource Management 2016 Paid Leave in the Workplace Survey. Three days are typically given for the loss of a parent, grandparent, domestic partner, sibling, grandchild, or foster child. Only one or two days are usually offered for the death of a spouse’s relative or an extended family member (aunt, uncle, cousin). And, for the death of a close friend or colleague, most companies don’t extend any leave at all.
It is important to note that grief experts recommend 20 days of bereavement leave for close family members – and as a society we must rethink how we define “family.” Regardless of whether it’s a parent, spouse, child, cousin, or close friend who dies, returning to work only three to four days after the loss can be difficult. Most people are so involved in planning the services and calling family and friends that they don’t have the time they need to process their feelings
