Over-apologizing can make you look less confident. Is that how you want to be perceived?
How often do you find yourself “reflex” apologizing for things that don’t warrant an apology at all? When is the last time you found yourself using phrases like, “Sorry I have to miss the meeting” or “Sorry for the delayed response” or, “Sorry if this doesn’t make sense/I misunderstood”? Did you actually do something that puts you at fault?
In particular, why do we feel the need to offer an apology before stating a fact, opinion, or different point of view? What is our intention behind the apology? Who or what purpose do we think it serves? More important, how might this apology impact our message?
Once upon a time, I would have assumed this was a female characteristic, but experience has (once again) proven me wrong. Its impact often gets lumped under feedback around leaders who need to develop more executive presence or learn to communicate with more power or influence. When buried under these vague categories, the simplicity of the issue – and its solution – get lost.
So…let’s ask the root question: WHY do we apologize? Below are some possible reasons.
People-pleasing. You want to be considered nice and polite. You’re overly concerned with what other people think and don’t want to upset or disappoint others. You potentially worry that you’re doing something wrong, being difficult, causing problems, being unreasonable, or asking too much.
Perfectionism. You have unrealistically high standards for yourself that are nearly impossible to attain. As a result, you constantly feel you aren’t “measuring up” and feel a need to apologize for every tiny thing that you do imperfectly.
Discomfort. Sometimes, we apologize because we feel uncomfortable/insecure and frankly don’t know what to do or say to ease the discomfort. As a reflex, we apologize in an attempt to make ourselves or others feel better.
Involuntary (bad) habit. If you’ve been over-apologizing – or listening to others do it – for a long time, it could be completely unconscious, like a reflex. It’s simply become an automatic response.
Let’s be clear. More of a good thing isn’t always better. Over-apologizing dilutes your apologies when they’re really needed. And over-apologizing can make you look less confident. Is that how you want to be perceived?
What is so hard about simply leading with the facts? Instead of saying, “Sorry to offer a different opinion” how would the impact be shifted or different if you said, “I’d like to offer an alternative opinion”? As a receiver, who would you listen to more closely? Which statement would inspire more confidence and authority?
And for those concerned about being viewed as too forceful, or non-collaborative I share an important note, there is a difference between being confidently direct and being a jerk. The dividing line is this: intent.
Remember there is a time and place for a sincere apology. But to address the issue of apologizing too much, you simply need to become aware. Pay attention to when, why, where and with whom you are over-apologizing. Question if an apology is necessary and appropriate, or habitual response, and intentionally rephrase.
More than anything, be kind to yourself. Habits – especially bad ones – take time and effort to remove or replace.
