What might be the impact on your personal and professional conversations if you removed the word “fine” from your vocabulary? Why do we default to “fine” in the first place?
My house has a fine jar. Some houses have a fine jar for swear words, for using electronics at the dinner table, not completing chores. But in my house, you pay 25 cents – a whole quarter! – for actually saying the word “fine.” Yes, that’s right. It literally is a “fine” jar.
When my son is visibility disappointed in a family decision, and his default response to any prodding is, “It’s fine. I’m fine.” I will prompt him to find a better word. One that’s more descriptive; one that can lead to discussion and a solution. While it might feel uncomfortable to him at first, the result is always a productive conversation and resolution.
As an avid writer, reader, and student of the English language, I’ve long held that “fine” is a lazy word. It’s a fallback, or easy, word to use when it feels like too much head or heart work to understand and articulate the actual, underlying thought or emotion.
At times it can also be passive aggressive and brandished like a weapon. I share that speaking from my own experience since I was a famous employer of the tool. When I told my family or husband, I was fine, everything was fine…look out! Usually whatever the situation might be, it was anything BUT fine.
Fortunately, through my studies as a coach, I have the education, learning and language to provide understanding and meaning as to why and when we use “fine” rather than expressing our most true response. The root of how we respond to any given situation sits with our levels of energy.
Let’s place our energy level on a 7-point scale. On the low end, beginning at Levels 1 and 2 we have our catabolic energy which is associated with high levels of judgment, fear, and stress. Moving through the scale, Levels 3-7 are anabolic. The less stress you bring to a situation, the higher you are on the scale. Think of it as a continuum where Level 1 is the lowest level of consciousness and Level 7 is the highest level of consciousness.
Where does the word “fine” sit on that scale? I’ll give you one guess.
Level 3.
People who have a lot of Level 3 energy are masters at rationalization. They will motivate themselves and others by finding ways to tolerate, compromise, and explain away and bury – not resolve! – resentment, stress, disappointments, and other burdens in order to gain cooperation and productivity.
The watch item here is the underlying stressors simply get buried, not addressed, or resolved. While there might be a short-term gain, the long-term impacts can be unexpectedly damaging.
So, the next time you are tempted to default to the word “fine” ask yourself, “Is this the best, most true, word or expression I can use?” See what you come up with, and how that feels. And, maybe start your own “fine” jar!
